


The Corn Dog Mafia

by Goldy



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Gen, I Don't Even Know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-09-21
Updated: 2007-09-21
Packaged: 2018-02-08 19:08:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1952706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goldy/pseuds/Goldy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rose wakes up in the TARDIS with no memory of why she got knocked out. And then there’s the strange man with a long scarf.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Corn Dog Mafia

**Author's Note:**

> I think mrv3000 made me do it.

**Prompt** : _"Ah. Awake!" The man snatched a small card from the console and proceeded to read from it. "'Hello. I am the Doctor.' Well, he didn't really need to write that down now, did he? I may have become somewhat of a prat. 'This is me from about 300 years before I met you.' He was a decent-looking bloke, though, I have to say. I might turn into a prat, but at least I'll look good. 'I'll be back in one week your time. Try not to wander off.' Oh, a wanderer, are you? Better than a screamer, I suppose..."_

***

Rose’s head kind of hurt—what with being knocked out and dragged into the past and all. As soon as she got back to her proper time, she was going to _kill_ the Doctor for doing this to her. Or at least hide his favourite jam in the duck room.

Well, at least she hadn’t been kidnapped and taken hostage in some sort of horrible remake of _Men in Black_. That was nice.

Rose pushed herself to her feet, staring at this Doctor with a mixture of suspicion and curiosity.

He stared back, hat tilting slightly over one eye. Then he grinned. Rose tentatively smiled back, eyes darting around her. She was in the TARDIS, no question about that. Oh, it _looked_ different, but she’d recognize that console anywhere.

"Nice hair," Rose said, after a pause. "Um, do you know why the Doctor - my Doctor, I mean - left me here?"

"No idea," said the Doctor cheerfully. He took a brown paper bag out of his pocket and held it up to her. "Jelly baby?"

"Um, thanks," Rose said.

The Doctor waited patiently while she chewed and swallowed, staring at her with the sort of interest he usually reserved for studying tiny microscopic bacteria.

"So, then, Rose," he said, slipping the bag of jelly babies back in his pocket. "Where do you want to go first?"

Rose felt a pique of interest. “We’re gonna go traveling together?”

The Doctor blinked at her like he thought she was completely thick. “Well, you’re my companion, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Rose said. “But we haven’t even met yet. I just thought…”

“If you’d rather stay in the TARDIS, there is a nasty termite infestation on terminal three—”

“No, that’s okay,” Rose said. “I’d really like to! Travel with you, I mean.”

The Doctor flung his scarf over one shoulder and rubbed his hands together in preparation. “Excellent,” he said approvingly. “Now, where to?”

"I don't know," she said. She figured 'Gallifrey' was out - timelines and all - besides, that would make for one really awkward conversation. Then a thought struck her. "I’ve always wanted to see Elvis."

He looked absolutely delighted.

***

They landed in New York in the proper time and place and everything. Rose couldn’t quite contain her amazement.

“I can’t even remember the last time that happened!” she said.

“Really?” said the Doctor. “Is it me, do you think?” He dropped his voice. “Is it the TARDIS? Does she get a little…?”

Rose raised her eyebrows. “Yeah?”

“A little… senile?” the Doctor whispered, eyeing the TARDIS with suspicion.

“Oh, like _any_ incarnation of you knows how to drive properly!” Rose hissed. She dragged him out of the door and he wrenched his neck around to give the TARDIS a disapproving look.

“Elvis, remember?” Rose said loudly. “Have you got the psychic paper or something? Maybe we could pose as royalty.”

“Psychic paper!” the Doctor said. “Now, _there’s_ a brilliant idea. Tell me more about it.”

“Um, never mind,” Rose said, unconsciously glancing up at the sky to make sure she hadn’t inadvertently caused a paradox. “Doctor? How exactly does me being here with you work? Can’t it mess up time? Or is it different ‘cause you’re a Time Lord?”

At the responding silence, Rose tore her eyes away from the sky and found the Doctor was no longer standing next to her.

“Some things never change,” she muttered. She looked around and finally spied him buying a corn dog from a local vendor. “Oh, _that_ can’t be good.”

Sure enough, ten seconds later, the Doctor clamped one hand over his hat and sped off towards her.

“Run!” he shouted

Rose raised her eyebrows. “What?!”

“Alien… hot dog… seller,” the Doctor explained, breath beginning to come out in pants. He grabbed her hand and yanked her forward. “Part of an interplanetary mafia. They hide down here and sell hot dogs to unsuspecting tourists.”

“Why would _anyone_ do that?” Rose said.

“Well, world domination,” the Doctor said. “What else?”

“Oh.” Rose said. “I mean… obviously.”

The Doctor's scarf blew into Rose's face as they hurtled down the street, a fact he was wholly oblivious to.

"Think I know a man around here," he said, grabbing her by the arm and dragging her into the dankest, darkest, and creepiest building in the entire city. "Ahh, yes. This looks to be the right place."

Rose made an effort not to stare at the mold growing on the walls while she did her best to wipe scarf fibers off her cheeks.

"Anymore jelly babies?" she asked faintly.

He handed her the entire bag. "Now, Rose," he said. "If you wouldn't mind - I need you to climb in there and see if Hyde is home."

Rose looked at where he was pointing. It appeared to be some sort of passageway, but it would only be possible to climb through on her hands and knees. It was also covered in cobwebs.

"Don't think I'll fit," continued the Doctor. "It's the hair, you know."

He reached up to pat it down.

She was going to kill him. Both hims.

***

Rose quickly discovered that the Doctor's helpful hints were not helpful at all.

"I often like to bring a book with me when I set out on long adventures like this! Just something to do when I get tired. You can never go wrong with a book, Rose." He paused. "Of course, usually I'd just send K-9 down and avoid it altogether."

She turned her head to yell back at him. "You think of this now? Thanks."

"See anything?" said the Doctor, ignoring her tone. "Any light? A room? Bed? A short, stout little fellow calling himself Hyde? No?"

Rose brushed cobwebs out of her face and pursed her lips.

She heard a short scuffle behind her and then the Doctor said, "Hyde! How lovely to see you again. Why didn't I think to check in the loo? And I've just sent my companion down looking for you - yes, new companion. From the future. My future, I should say. Lovely girl."

Rose heard something that sounded like a guffaw. Must have been Hyde. She began to turn around.

"Turn into a bit of a prat, actually," the Doctor answered. "Still, what can you do? Regeneration process has always been a bit of a bugger."

Rose smiled to herself and tried to move forward. And then tried again. And again.

"Um, Doctor?"

"Rose!" came the enthusiastic reply. "You'll never guess who I've run into."

"Yeah," Rose said. "That's - that's great. The thing is, though, I'm kind of... stuck."

***

The Doctor's brilliant extraction method appeared to involve the sonic screwdriver and a plastic fork.

It wasn't terrible effective, but with enough wiggling, Rose eventually emerged, panting and covered in dirt.

"There now! No problem!" the Doctor declared. After a moment's hesitation, he leaned forward and patted Rose on the shoulder.

Rose felt a small pang; unexpectedly craving the easy hugs she always shared with her own Doctor. But she pushed that away, reminding herself that while this was still _him_ , he didn't yet have all the same memories of their relationship that she did.

Hyde was a short, hairy looking creature who didn't speak so much as he grunted in quick, emotional spurts. He also seemed absorbed in picking bits of rocks and dirt out of Rose's hair. And then eating them.

"Doctor?" Rose said, doing her best to ignore Hyde. "Did we have... a reason for coming in here?"

The Doctor looked appropriately befuddled and then rubbed his forehead a few times before declaring, inconsequentially, "Ahhhhh."

Hyde slurped loudly on a pebble from Rose's hair.

"Yes?" Rose said. "We're trying to stop the hot dog alien, remember?"

"Ahhh!" the Doctor said again, with more authority. "I have just the thing...." He turned around, scarf flying out behind him. "Hyde!"

"YARGH?" Hyde said.

"Do you still have that bottle of butterpuss lying around somewhere?"

"ARCH?" said Hyde.

"Excellent!" said the Doctor. "Come on, Rose. It’s just the thing. We've got him in our clutches now!"

He ran out of the hideaway.

Rose and Hyde looked at each other. “Argh?” said Hyde.

“Well, hurry up, then! Have you got the butterpuss or not?” Rose said. “You heard the Doctor!”

“Arck!” agreed Hyde.

He disappeared into the passageway, grunting and wheezing. She heard him rifle around and he finally emerged with an armful of bottles filled with a beige, oozing liquid.

“Butterpuss?” Rose asked.

Hyde nodded.

It was at that moment that the TARDIS materialized in the middle of Hyde’s living room. The door creaked open and the Doctor popped his head out. “Are you two coming or not?”

Hyde and Rose looked at each other and then scrambled to get onboard. The Doctor was already setting new coordinates.

Rose resisted the urge to sigh. So much for Elvis. It didn’t seem to matter _which_ version of the Doctor she was with, something _always_ came up. Not that she minded.

“Now,” said the Doctor. “This is going to be a bit of a challenge.”

“Oh, god,” Rose said. “Butterpuss is fatal, isn’t it? We’ll have to get Hyde to banish the entire mafia on his own.”

Hyde jerked his head up in fear, dropping the butterpuss bottles. They hit the TARDIS’s grating with a loud clang.

“Um, no,” said the Doctor, eyeing the spilled bottles with irritation. “However, it is a bit itchy. I would suggest gloves.”

Without giving Rose time to process that piece of information, the Doctor released the handbrake and the TARDIS jerked into motion.

They were off to stop the corn dog mafia.

***

It had been a long week.

There were butterpuss stains in Rose’s hair, on her favourite t-shirt—even on her bloody skin. And it _did_ itch. It was like being covered in hundreds of tiny mosquito bites.

The Doctor assured her that it would go away eventually. “Just need to let the old skin cells die off, that’s all!” he said. “Shouldn’t take more than a week! In the meantime, I suggest a nice cup of tea."

She was in the middle of wringing out her hair (thanks to Hyde, she’d washed it at least ten times) when the Doctor—a tall, skinny bloke with sideburns and _loads_ of explaining to do—burst in.

Without knocking.

Typical.

“Rose!”

She blinked, but then managed, “Doctor?”

He grinned. “Rose!”

She grinned back. “Doctor!”

She launched herself forward and met him in the middle of the room for an excited hug.

“Rose!”

“Doctor!”

“Rose!”

“Doct—no, hold on!” Rose pulled away and smacked him on the shoulder.

“Ow!”

“I can’t _believe_ you,” Rose said. “You just _dumped_ me in the past, pawned me off on one of your younger incarnation, left _no_ explanation—”

“I left a note!” he yelped. And then, “Ow! Stop hitting me.”

Rose did her best to ignore what was usually a very effective sulk.

“We are not watching _The Muppet Movie_ for an entire _week_ ,” she said. “At _least_.”

“Rose,” he said, beginning to look worried. “I’m sorry—I just… there was this revolution, and I couldn’t just leave it, but they don’t like humans—well, I say ‘don’t like’… more like, ‘violently allergic’—so I thought it’d be best all around if you spent some time with a past version of myself. I came back, didn’t I?”

“What about my mum?” Rose demanded. “How come I couldn’t stay with her? Or in the TARDIS?”

The Doctor opened his mouth and scratched his chin, making it clear this hadn’t even occurred to him. Rose sighed and looked at the ceiling.

“Well,” he said. “Didn’t you… have fun?”

She blinked, caught off-guard. She wisely decided to avoid the question. “And the secrets! Like to see you wake up on the floor of your old TARDIS! How come you didn’t tell me? I thought I’d been kidnapped!”

He raised his eyebrows. “Oh, so if you knew I was heading into a revolution, you would let me go off on my own without arguing, hmm?”

Rose stared at a point above his shoulder, and then said, “You used to have very silly hair.” She paused. “Like the scarf, though. Still have it?”

“There!” said the Doctor. “You see? Not so bad! Bet the week flew by. Probably never even noticed I was gone.”

Rose “hmmed” in agreement. “Kind of like this version of you, actually. Though he’s not exactly all there, is he?” Rose pondered that for a second and then added, “Course, he does carry around sweets. It was nice.”

The Doctor looked like someone had thrown a pie into his face. “What?”

“We took down an entire _mafia_ , Doctor, me and him. When was the last time you took down a mafia?”

The Doctor’s worry turned to full blown-panic. “What?”

Rose pushed by him. “In fact, he probably still needs my help. There's still an entire wing of the corn dog mafia to take out in the Yanging System.”

“WHAT?” he hollered. He chased after her. “You _can’t_ mean that. I could take down a mafia, too! And I have _much_ better hair. ROSE!”  



End file.
